


Happens to the Heart

by wallflowerzzz



Category: Bjyx, Chinese Actor RPF, 陈情令 | The Untamed (TV) RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-14
Updated: 2020-07-16
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:06:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25271350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wallflowerzzz/pseuds/wallflowerzzz
Summary: The car suddenly pulls to a stop, startling him. They’ve arrived, the driver says when he sees Yibo’s surprised face. He got so lost in his thoughts and didn’t even notice where the time has gone. He’s feeling anxious about getting in and finds himself hoping that Xiao Zhan has fallen asleep, this way he can just sneak into bed and cuddle with him avoiding any difficult conversations.or where Yibo finally agrees that Xiao Zhan was right and he was too young to get settled.
Relationships: Wang Yi Bo & Xiao Zhan, Wang Yi Bo/Xiao Zhan
Comments: 78
Kudos: 248





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'd love to say this is my first Bjyx fic but that would imply that I have ever written anything... This is my first ever story, and most likely the last, but I just couldn't get the idea out of my head. 
> 
> Needles to say, this is all my imagination and a work of fiction with no intention to hurt or offend anyone. 
> 
> Title from Leonard Cohen's song of the same name.
> 
> Thank you for reading and please be gentle.

"I loved your face, I loved your hair  
Your T-shirts and your evening wear  
As for the world, the job, the war  
I ditched them all to love you more  
And now you're gone, now you're gone  
As if there ever was a you  
Who broke the heart and made it new  
Who's moving on? Who's kidding who?"

Leonard Cohen "Moving On"

Yibo is looking through the car window but doesn’t see anything. He’s still buzzing from the party but he’s starting to worry because it’s late and this is the one night Xiao Zhan and him can spend together at home this month. What will Xiao Zhan think? Will he be upset that Yibo got carried away and spent most of the time they were supposed to spend together partying? He wants to see his Zhan-ge, of course he does, he misses him so much, but he’s starting to feel annoyed as well, why can’t he just have fun and a good time without having to worry about Zhan-ge's feelings? The other people at the party are carrying on, he was one of the first to leave and he wishes he could’ve stayed more.

The car suddenly pulls to a stop startling him. They’ve arrived, the driver says when he sees Yibo’s surprised face. He got so lost in his thoughts and didn’t even notice when the time has gone. He’s feeling anxious about getting in and finds himself hoping that Xiao Zhan has fallen asleep, this way he can just sneak into bed and cuddle with him thus avoiding any difficult conversations.

It seems that this isn’t his lucky night as Xiao Zhan is still very much awake on the sofa ,watching TV. Yibo feels defensive already even though the older man hasn’t said anything yet and is just giving him a sleepy smile.

"Here you are baobao! How was the party? Did you have fun?" he asks and motions Yibo to come to him.

"Hi Zhan-ge! The party was ok, I didn’t expect to see you still up." Yibo is still standing by the door.

"Oh, go to bed and miss my Bo-di? No way, I couldn’t wait to see you! Are you coming to give me a hug and a kiss? I missed you so much."

"I missed you too Zhan-ge." Yibo makes his way to the sofa and gives him a hug and a kiss then sits next to him. “Are you planning to stay much longer ge? I would really like to go to sleep soon”

"Umm, sure Yibo, we can go anytime" Xiao Zhan says surprised by the sudden request.

They make their way to the bedroom holding hands and, once there, Yibo goes straight for a shower. He can feel Xiao Zhan’s eyes on him and he can sense that he’s a bit confused by Yibo’s behaviour but he needs a few minutes alone to collect his thoughts. He turns the shower on and strips, stopping to look in the mirror and he can see why Xiao Zhan is so apprehensive. His brows are furrowed and there’s none of the sparkle in his eyes that he normally has when he’s with his boyfriend. He doesn’t understand what’s happening with him, that man in the bedroom is his everything, he loves him so much and yet he’s not happy to be here right now. Well, a quick shower and sleep should help him feel better, don’t they say that things look different in the morning? He sighs and gets into the shower.

He steps out of the bathroom drying his hair with a towel and sees Xiao Zhan sitting under the blanket with the phone in his hand. Once he sees Yibo, he gives him a sweet smile and pats the spot next to him. “Get in here baobao! I can’t wait to get my hands on you.”

Yibo gets in and cuddles with him, he feels so warm and he smells like home. Yibo sighs in relief, it seems like Xiao Zhan understands that he doesn’t want to talk and gives him some peace. Not for long though…

“Hey, guess what I saw today on Weibo", he says with a grin. I saw a video of you winking at Han Dongjun and asking to sleep with him. Do I need to feel worried?” There is no malice or anger in Xiao Zhan’s voice but Yibo lifts his head, feeling suddenly annoyed.

“What are you trying to say Zhan-ge?” he asks and even he can tell that his tone is sharper than it should be but he feels like he’s losing control. “That I’m cheating on you?”

Xiao Zhan eyes have gone impossibly wide, shock clear on his face. “What?? No.. of course not Bo-di, I know you would never do that, I was just teasing you. I’m sorry! I saw what people were commenting on those videos and I thought it was funny, that’s all. I’m sorry if I upset you”

“Sorry? Is that what you think of me Zhan-ge? I can’t believe this, you watch videos of me where all of my gestures and moves are being analysed. Why are you even watching those?”

“Because I miss you Yibo, I miss you so much I would watch anything just to see your face. And where is this even coming from? I can tell there’s something bothering you, do you want to talk about it?” Xiao Zhan tries for a smile but it doesn't reach his eyes, his hand reaching for Yibo's arm in an attempt to calm him.

“Talk about it! Do you really want to talk about it? Fine.” he’s trying to calm down and speak in an even voice as he sits up. “I’m starting to think that you were right Zhan-ge”

“I was right? What was I right about?” Xiao Zhan looks at him confused and worried

“In the beginning when I was trying to convince you to give me, us, a chance you kept saying that I’m too young and don’t need to get tied up in a serious relationship. When we decided to buy this apartment together, you asked me again if I’m sure that I’m ready for this step…” Xiao Zhan’s eyes are starting to get glossy but Yibo carries on. “You were right, I’m too young for a committed relationship and I wasn’t ready for this. I just want to enjoy my life without having to worry that you will read into things, I want to have fun when I want with whoever I want without feeling anxious about what you will say. I want to be able to relax when filming a show without having to be self-conscious of every gesture, every look and every touch which will most likely be taken out of context and blown out of proportion.” 

Xiao Zhan’s face is a picture of shock and hurt but he’s steeling himself. “When did I ever question you on any of those things Yibo? I understand better than anyone how this works, I have very good friends too and I love them, I like to hug them and be cheeky with them too. I never suspected you Yibo… I really don’t understand where this is coming from. What I do understand though is that you want freedom to do as you please, you don’t want to be answering to me. I get it, I really do.” Yibo drops his head to his chest but he can feel Xiao Zhan getting up. He’s starting to get dressed and a wave of guilt crashes over Yibo.

“Ge, what are you doing?” he stands up and slowly steps towards his boyfriend. “Ge, talk to me.” When Xiao Zhan carries on dressing he’s starting to panic. “Zhan-ge! Ge! Look at me!” he grabs the other man’s arm and turns him around. His heart drops when he sees tears streaming down his face. “Zhan-ge, baobao, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it,ok? Please tell me what you’re doing, why are you dressing?”

Wiping his eyes with the back of his hand, Xiao Zhan tries to speak but it’s almost a whisper. “I’m going Yibo, I’m giving you your freedom.” Yibo is now in full panic mode, desperately tugging on his boyfriend’s arm trying to look into his eyes. “Zhan-ge, you can’t go. Where are you going? Is it so easy to let go of me? I thought you love me, why aren’t you fighting for me, for us?” his voice is cracking but he doesn’t care. 

Xiao Zhan looks up with a sad smile on his face that makes Yibo’s insides twist, there’s hurt but there’s also disappointment in those beautiful eyes. “I would Yibo, I would fight through anything for you, for us, but not this, I can’t fight this. I love you so much Yibo and it’s because I love you so much that I have to go. Say we talk through this, we calm down and things go back to normal but soon this will come up again. You obviously don’t want to be tied to me and, if I stay, you will end up resenting me. All those beautiful memories we have, all the happy times will be replaced by misery and resentment. I don’t want that Yibo, I don’t want that…" A sob escapes Xiao Zhan's mouth but he continues. "I don’t want you to be lying next to me wishing you were somewhere else or, worse, with someone else, I couldn’t bare it. It hurts so much but I understand, I truly do.” Yibo is frozen, he feels his vision blur. His Zhan-ge, his beautiful, kind Zhan-ge is leaving him and his world has stopped turning. He can’t think, he can’t speak, all he feels is an immense pain in his chest.

“…I’m sorry YueYue, I know it’s so late but could I please come over and stay tonight? Yes.. I will explain when I see you…No no, you don’t need to come and pick me up, I’ll take a taxi. Thank you so much Chuyue, I’m forever grateful. Yes, I will. See you soon” Yibo didn’t even notice when Xiao Zhan picked his phone and dialled the number. It’s all like a dream, it surely can’t be real. No, he’ll wake up any minute now. But the dream carries on, Xiao Zhan packing his bag, Xiao Zhan calling a taxi, all while Yibo is completely frozen and can do nothing but follow the man he loves with his eyes. 

Xiao Zhan snaps him out of it when he suddenly appears in front of him, eyes full of tears but a resignated smile on his face. “I guess this is it. I’ll get going now. Please take care of yourself Yibo, make sure you rest and eat enough. Good bye Bo-di” a last kiss on his cheek and he’s gone.

“No! No! Noooooo! Zhan-ge come back.” he screams but no one answers. “Come here Zhan-ge! Why are you doing this?” he runs towards the door just in time to see the elevator doors close. His legs give in and he collapses on the floor clutching his chest and sobbing. “I love you Zhan-ge… please come back… please don’t leave me” his sobs are getting more and more desperate and he curls down, the immensity of what just happened hitting him like a freight train. What did he do? What’s wrong with him? His eyes burn from all the crying, his throat feels raw from the screaming and his lungs are burning but he can’t stop. “Stupid, stupid Yibo! You wanted to be free, you’re free now” and cries harder. “Zhan-ge, my Zhan-ge come back, please come back to me…”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. 
> 
> I will try to finish this soon although I'm not yet sure where I'm taking the story.

Yibo wakes up with a groan, a hand going up to cover his eyes trying to block the sunshine that comes through his window. He feels cold so he pats the space next to him on the bed but he finds it empty. “Zhan-ge must be in the kitchen” he thinks. He is aching all over and his throat hurts. He makes a mental note to ask Xiao Zhan to make him one of his concoctions when it suddenly hits him: “He’s not here anymore…He left me…” Reality comes crashing down on him and he feels an ache in his chest so fierce it makes him clutch at his sleeping shirt. The events of last night re-play in his mind, Xiao Zhan’s face, the hurt and the tears in his eyes. Yibo can’t remember how he got into bed, he can’t remember anything after collapsing on the floor - how did he even get up? He rubs his eyes and pulls his knees up as if that would help with the pain. The phone suddenly rings startling him. 

“Zhan-ge, it must be Zhan-ge” he’s jumping off the bed in a panic, nearly tripping over the blanket. He looks for his phone not remembering where he left it. He locates it on the coffee table and his hand trembles when he reaches for it. All hope leaves him though when he sees that it’s not the person he expected. It’s a video call from Zhou Yixuan and he hesitates answering, not sure if he’s able to speak with anyone. The call stops but after a few seconds it starts again and Yibo answers this time.

“Hey Bobo! I’m so excited for the Day Day Up recording tomorrow!” he suddenly stops when he sees Yibo’s face on the screen.

“Yibo, what’s wrong baby? You don’t look well”

Hearing his worried tone, Yibo suddenly loses all composure and starts desperately crying. “He left me Xuan-ge, he left me…”

“Wait, what? Calm down baby, please calm down and tell me what happened”

He tries to draw a big breath to steady his voice but it’s proving difficult. “Xiao Zhan left me last night” but it’s only just above a whisper.

“Xiao Zhan left you? What? How? I don’t believe this Bobo, he adores you”

“I’m stupid Xuan-ge, that’s how. I told him I want to have fun and do whatever I want without having to answer to him and then…and then.. he left” he says between sobs, violently rubbing his eyes trying to make his tears stop.

“Yibo! Yibo! Look at me! Stop rubbing your eyes and try to calm down. I’m on my way to you, ok? I’ll be there in 30 minutes, try to calm down, ok baby?

“Ok ge, thank you.” He stops rubbing his eyes and the tears fall freely now. The pain is unbearable, he just wishes he could grab his heart and yank it out of his chest.

How silly of him to think Xiao Zhan was calling him, surely he doesn’t even want to talk to him anymore. Who would after what he said last night? He threw away the best thing in his life because he wanted to what? Go to parties and get drunk? He could do that before too. Flirt with people? Who was he going to flirt with? Who is better than Zhan-ge? Is there anyone out there more handsome, more kind, more anything than his Zhan-ge? There isn’t, everybody knows that. Well, everybody apart from Yibo apparently. 

“No, this won’t do. I have to call him. Would he answer me? He probably won’t want to talk to me but I have to try, I can’t let him go just like that. I have to make this right” his knuckles go white on his phone but he’s determined, he will make this call.

His courage wanes as he listens to the ringing, it seems to go on forever and he has lost hope that Xiao Zhan will answer him. Except…

“Hello” Yibo breaks when he hears Xiao Zhan’s voice. It’s the most beautiful sound in the world, the only sound that goes straight to his heart and warms him from the inside out. He answered!!! He can’t believe he answered!!! Now what? What would he say?

“Yibo? Are you there?” Oh, sweet heavens, he sounds so soft.

“Y..Yes Zhan-ge, I’m here.” His voice cracks so he clears his throat and tries to find words. He should’ve thought about what he wanted to say beforehand. “Zhan-ge, I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean any of the things I said last night, please believe me. I don’t know what’s gotten into me.” He’s tired of saying sorry but what else can he say, really? What else is there to say?

“I’m sorry too Yibo, so sorry, for both of us, but I believe you meant it.You haven’t been yourself lately, you’ve been unhappy and it was pretty obvious. I wanted to talk to you about it actually but we were away from each other and I didn’t want to do it over the phone. I wanted us to have a chat last night but you came home late and I just wanted to make the most of our limited time together so I thought I’d let it pass. Who knew it will come to this…”

Yibo listens quietly, tears still falling, trying not to let out the scream he feels building inside. “Zhan-ge, this can’t be it. Please Xiao Zhan, please come home. Let’s talk about it” he manages to say.

“I can’t come over didi, I have a flight to Shanghai in a couple of hours. If there is anything you want to talk about, we can do it over the phone” And why is he so composed? How can he sound so unaffected? Yibo steadies himself.

“Can you not forgive me, Ge? Is what I said so bad that you can’t forgive me?” Yibo can’t stand anymore, the pain bends him over so he goes to sit on the sofa. At least the tears have stopped.

“This isn’t about forgiveness, there’s nothing to forgive you for. All you did was tell me how you feel and you have the right to do that. You shouldn’t have to stay where you don’t want to be anymore and I want you to be happy”

“Ha ha Ge, funny you should say that. I feel so far from happy right now, you have no idea. In fact hell would probably be a better description of where I am and what I feel.” He sounds almost deranged but he doesn’t care.

“Yibo, I know it hurts, trust me, I’m feeling it too but it will get better. Maybe not straight away but soon… You’ll be better off without me.”

“No it won’t get better. How can you even say I’d be better off without you Zhan-ge?”

"Look Bo-di, I remember being your age, I had the best time with my friends, experimenting things and enjoying being young. I would hate to think that you're missing out on these things because of me. I want you to be happy and you clearly weren't, not with me there."

"Ge...I was happy, I was so so happy with you. Nobody has ever made me feel the way you did. When you finally accepted to go out with me I was ecstatic. It was the happiest day of my life." Yibo grabs at his hair, memories of those times are flooding him. He was happy, he felt he can conquer the world when he was next to Xiao Zhan. 

"Maybe then, but not lately. We clearly don't want the same things anymore and it would be unfair for both of us to carry on with this relationship knowing how you feel."

Xiao Zhan sounds determined and Yibo feels all hope leaving him. He doesn’t know what to say anymore.

"I will come home when you fly to Changsha tomorrow to collect my things. We'll have to talk about what we're going to do about the apartment, whether you want to keep living there or you want us to sell it."

Yibo’s head jerked up so fast he thought he'll get whiplash. The reality started to sink in now and he couldn't hold his tears anymore.

"Sell it? But it's our home Zhan-ge...our home..." he says between cries. He's finding it difficult to breathe at the moment.

"I know Bo-di, don't you think I know? You can chose what to do with it, I won't be able to live there anymore... Listen, we don't have to talk about this or make a decision now."

"Zhan Zhan, your breakfast is ready! Come and eat please." Yibo hears the call in the background and his heart drops, he remembers where Xiao Zhan is and his blood starts boiling.

"Ah, I have to go. I have to head to the airport shortly and..."

"I see. It all makes sense now" Yibo says narrowing his eyes, "It was actually you who wanted a way out so you could throw yourself in Peng Chuyue's arms. No wonder it's so easy for you to give up on us."

"What nonsense are you talking, Yibo? You know very well we're only friends, you've been to his house with me, you spent time with us. How can you say such things? Does it make it easier for you if I'm the bad guy?"

"No Ge, I'm sorry, I know I'm the bad guy here but please come back to me, please think about it, ok? I'll wait for you to change your mind, I'll do anything... Please"

"You're not the bad guy Yibo, nobody is. It's just how things go sometimes in life. I won't change my mind so please don't wait for me, go make some happy memories instead. Let's talk about the apartment another time, I really have to go now. Please take care Yibo."

“Zhan-ge!” The line goes dead. “I love you, I will always love you.” The phone drops from his hand as he turns to curl in himself while the emptiness inside threatens to swallow him whole.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is my fic and I want to have The Wolf released at least here lol. Hopefully I will have the chance to watch it in this lifetime.
> 
> I'm hoping to wrap it up in the next chapter or so help me every God, this story has taken over my life.

It shouldn't be so hard to open the door to your own home and yet here he is, standing in front of it and failing to do just that. It's been a month since he came here, a month since Xiao Zhan left him, and he's dreading stepping foot in what used to be their little bubble of happiness.

Yibo straightens himself with a sigh and finally unlocks the door. Darkness and silence welcome him instead of his boyfriend's smile and giggles. He reaches a shaky hand to the light switch while pushing the door with his foot. The first thing he notices is the missing shoes and he feels a pang of hurt but he goes in the living area anyway. Everything is spotless and bare, too bare, and he hates it. Xiao Zhan's paintings and knick knacks are gone and the whole place looks like it lost its soul - how appropriate. He notices something on the dining table and he moves closer to have a look. 

There's a sheet of paper, with Xiao Zhan's neat writing on it, next to his ox necklace and he tears up. Before he left for Changsha the morning after the break up, he left the necklace on the table knowing that Zhan-ge will come over to collect his things. He left a note too, telling the older man that he's returning it, he doesn't feel worthy of having it anymore. Of course, him not wearing the necklace didn't escape people's notice and Weibo was full of pictures of him, in an attempt to spot the familiar piece of jewellery peaking from under his t-shirts. It took a couple of weeks for fans to understand that the necklace is gone and that started a wave of comments and assumptions, mostly right, which didn't help his broken heart at all.

He clutches the paper in his hand but he's afraid to read it. Why did Xiao Zhan not take the necklace back? He gathers all of his courage and starts reading.

'Yibo,

I'm sorry things ended up like this, it's the last thing I wanted or expected. I believed we are in this for the long run but I guess things don't always go the way we wish.

Please don't think I blame you for anything, I don't, I think if anyone is to blame then it's me. I must've done something to make you feel the way you did, I never wanted you to feel trapped or to feel that you can't do your own things. I don't remember getting upset with you for having fun but I guess I must have, otherwise you wouldn't have felt that way. 

I have only myself to blame for giving in and agreeing to this relationship, I'm the more mature one and I should've known better. If I stood my ground we wouldn't be hurting like this now but I loved you too much, I wanted you too much and I'm only human. I regret all the hurt this caused but I don't regret our time together, it was the happiest time of my life and I wouldn't change any second of it. 

I will not take the necklace back, I gifted it to you so it's yours. I understand you don't want to wear it anymore so you can either keep it or throw it away, it's entirely your choice.

Thank you for the beautiful memories Bo-di, I will always keep them and you in my heart.

I'm sorry for all the hurt I caused.

Love,  
Xiao Zhan'

Yibo holds the letter to his chest and gets up from the floor suddenly feeling exhausted. He doesn't know how but his feet carry him to the bedroom where he lies on the bed fully clothed and falls asleep hugging Xiao Zhan's words, tears drying on his cheeks.

He wakes up disoriented, sun peeking through the window. He's surprised he slept through the night for the first time in a month, without even leaving his light or the TV on. It must be the bed, if he tries really hard he can still feel Xiao Zhan's scent on the pillows. He aches with longing, it didn't get easier yet although everyone assured him it will. Maybe it's still too early, maybe it will never get easier. 

The first two weeks after Xiao Zhan left are a blur. Zhou Yixuan got here soon after his call with Xiao Zhan ended. He hugged Yibo and let him cry in his arms, he stroke his hair and made sure he ate. Then they sat down while Yibo recounted what had happened and Yixuan listened patiently, holding his hand the whole time. He is so lucky to have such a good friend. However, they then had a group call with all the Uniq members and that didn't go quite the same way. Wenhan and Sungjoo were nice and tried to comfort him but Seungyoun, the little shit, told him that he's the biggest idiot and how could he let such a perfect man go. Yibo had wasted Xiao Zhan's time, he'd said, so he probably did his Zhan-ge a favour by ridding him of himself. Strangely, it was Seungyoun's words that made him feel better, as harsh as they were, because that's what he thought himself. He didn't like people being extra nice to him and stepping on egg shells around him because, whether they admit it or not, Yibo did this himself and now he's suffering the consequences. Yixuan stayed with him that night and they flew together to Changsha the next day.

The Day Day Up recording didn't go well at first, all his geges noticed the state he was in and had a chat with him. Han-ge told him that his heart breaks to see Yibo suffer but he can't blame Xiao Zhan for deciding to end the relationship. He reassured Yibo that it will get easier and he will find happiness again, that Xiao Zhan is right and he shouldn't miss out on his best years. Yibo wanted to snort at his words but he respects Wang Han too much, he's like a father to him. Han-ge doesn't understand though, no one understands, that Yibo's happiness is Zhan-ge. Hell, he didn't understand it himself until it slipped through his fingers. Having all the Day Day Up brothers and Yixuan around him helped though so he managed to complete the recording.

From Changsha he went to the set of Being a Hero, having to peel a worried Yixuan off him before he missed his flight. The filming was ok, he wasn't very close to anyone on set so there wasn't much questioning and he was mostly left to himself. The parts they were filming were quite dark as well and he managed to do a great job as it fitted perfectly with his mood.

Yibo missed Xiao Zhan with every fibre of his body and so he started watching every new video of him and stalking him on social media like a creep but he couldn't help it. Sometimes, when his co-actors would go out or have a party, he would decline to go and stayed in his room instead watching Xiao Zhan videos. The irony wasn't lost on him: when he had the real thing, when he could touch him, kiss him, see that bright smile in person, he wanted the parties and the fun and now... He also understood why Xiao Zhan watched everything he could find of Yibo's when they were apart. He watched his fair share of videos analysing Zhan-ge's every move and felt jealousy curse through him every time he smiled at someone, every time people looked at him in awe or like he was a delicious meal. He couldn't blame them though, he knew the feeling very well.

He lowered his eyes to the letter and read it again. How typical of Xiao Zhan to blame himself although he did nothing wrong, to apologise for the hurt that Yibo caused. He's just too kind hearted and Yibo feels he never deserved him, he doesn't think anyone deserves his Zhan-ge, and yet Xiao Zhan chose him, loved him. How did he not see what he had and screwed it all up so easily. "I will never forget our time together either, Zhan-ge. I will never forget you. How could I ever?" he says as he gets up from the bed and places the letter on the bedside table. 

"Oh my God, don't they look so good together? I can't believe it's finally out, Xiao Zhan is so handsome and so manly in this!!" Yibo looks up to see a group of girls from the crew watching a phone and cooing. Xiao Zhan's name caught his attention and now he needs to know what this is about. He gets up from his make-up chair and heads towards them. "What are you cooing about? It sounds interesting". The girls turn to him all at once, eyes wide and worried. "Oh, sorry if we disturbed you, we're just excited because The Wolf is finally out. We've been waiting for it for ages. We'll try to keep it down" they bow to him and retreat.

Yibo can't quite believe it either, it's been years, frankly he didn't think it will ever be out. He thinks of how pleased Xiao Zhan must be, it was his first serious project and he was very fond of it. He feels his heart clench and the familiar pain is back, reliable like an old friend. Even after six months he can't shake it, the mere mention of his name has such effect on him. He doesn't want to lose it, he doesn't want to stop feeling it, to stop missing him because, if he does, all that would be left of him would be an empty shell. People who love him told him to live his life. What living when all he does is merely existing? When for the past six months he's been functioning on auto-pilot, hardly aware of what's been going on around him. He takes a big breath and turns around heading to the studio where his brothers are waiting for him to start recording the new episode of Day Day Up. 

"Yibo, we're going to have dinner, are you joining us?" Wang Han asks patting his back. 

"Thank you Han-ge but I'm heading out. Yixing is throwing a party to celebrate the release of his new album and I've already said I'd be going." He doesn't really fancy going but Yixing is worried about him becoming a homebody and he made him promise. 

"That's great Yibo, I'm glad you're going. Have fun! We'll see you soon anyway".

They say their goodbyes and he heads towards the car. It's already late so he won't be stopping home to change, he still has the make-up from the filming and he's wearing a black shirt and black ripped jeans. "This will do just fine." Today's Day Day Up episode was based in Beijing, this being the reason he accepted Yixing's invitation in the first place, so it doesn't take long to get there. The place looks nice, it's a night club that Yixing hired for the night, Yibo hasn't been here before so he's curious to see what it looks like. He can hear the music from outside, the kind of base line that booms and makes your feet move on their own. He steps in and looks around trying to spot Yixing or anyone he knows. It doesn't take long to spot him at the bar waving at him and beckoning him over. He makes his way through the crowd occasionally nodding and shaking hands with people he knows. When he gets to the bar the guy cheers and jumps on him.

"Yiboooo, you really came, you hermit! We missed you at these parties, they are just not the same without you" Yixing says giving him a side hug.

"I wouldn't miss your party for the world Ge, everybody knows your parties are the best"

"Oh Yibo, you're such a liar but I appreciate the effort!" Yixing laughs. "Let's loosen you up a bit, what do you want to drink?" 

"I'll have whatever you're having" Yibo replies. He doesn't know what the other man is drinking and he doesn't care, he needs a drink. The bartender delivers with a wink and, drinks in hand, they head closer to the dance floor.

"You must dance tonight, Yibo. Everybody wants to see you moving that sexy body of yours, it's been too long" 

"I'm not drunk yet Ge, ask me again later" Yibo laughs but it stops in his throat when he hears the opening notes of a familiar song. The universe is mocking him, surely. Nan Hai blares in the speakers and Yibo downs his drink in one go and abruptly turns towards the bar asking for another one. He needs to get numb. The song cuts through him and he tears up, trying to swallow the lump that's forming in his throat.

"Hey, easy there didi" he hears Yixing say. "This is not the way to deal with it. Do you want to go outside for a few minutes?"

"I'm fine" Yibo says curtly and downs the second drink. "Another" he slams the glass on the bar. He's starting to feel dizzy, whatever it was in that drink must be quite strong. Either that or his alcohol tolerance is lower than before. Thankfully the song is over and he can breathe again. An hour later and couple more drinks under his belt, Yibo is dancing in the middle of the dance floor like his life depends on it. He can see the way people are eyeing him and he loves it. A man comes closer and starts dancing with him, touching him now and then. He is handsome and he can definitely move. They have been introduced but for the life of him Yibo can't remember his name.

When the song finishes, Yibo heads to the gents room. He can hear footsteps behind him and he turns around only to see the guy who danced with him following him but he carries on walking until he reaches his destination. The guy gets in as well and closes the door.

"Yibo, I don't want to make this awkward but I wanted to tell you that I am a big fan of yours, I think you're so great and...hmpf" Yibo doesn't know what came over him but he suddenly kisses him. The guy's hands slide under Yibo's shirt and he starts caressing his back. It feels good, he is quite a good kisser, his hands travel down and grab Yibo's ass and he draws in a breath. He needs this.

"Do you want to get out of here?' The guy asks and Yibo nods. They walk out together and, while they wait for a taxi, they find a dark spot and continue making out. Maybe it's the cold air that does it but Yibo suddenly stops kissing and moves away from the man who is still holding onto him.

"I'm sorry, I don't think this is a good idea after all. I'm not feeling well and I need to go home" Yibo blurts. He spots the taxi pulling over and makes a run for it, jumping in the car and closing the door quickly. The man stepped into the light now and he looks bewildered watching the taxi drive off. Yibo's heart is pounding and he's trying to make sense of what just happened. He closes his eyes and tries to regulate his breathing and soon the car arrives in front of his building.

He opens the door to his apartment with shaky hands, takes his shoes off and lunches himself on the sofa, face buried in the cushions. He can't do it, he still can't be with anyone else. He tried over and over again and it was nice enough but nothing compares to Xiao Zhan, the way Yibo felt every kiss and every touch with all of his body and soul, the way his boyfriend ignited a fire inside him that threatened to consume him, making him desperate for more, for closer. The fact that he will never have that again makes him want to scream, to trash everything in this sanctuary - their home. "Better to have loved and lost my ass" how can he move on, who is he kidding? How will he be able to do that when he will unconsciously compare everyone with his Zhan-ge and who can ever compare? He slowly gets up and moves to the bedroom, he showers and gets into bed clutching the letter from Xiao Zhan to his chest like he does every night. Even he knows how pathetic this is but he can't find it in himself to care.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One last lesson for my version of Yibo. 
> 
> Sorry, I know I got carried away with the angst, I feel bad myself for putting Yibo through so much.
> 
> The good news is that I've finished the story but the last part was too long so I split it in two.
> 
> The last chapter is coming shortly after this one.

The incessant buzz of his phone wakes him up so he reaches for it and, through sleepy eyes, sees his manager's name. It's still early and it's his day off so it must be important. 

"Hello? What's the matter Li-jie?" 

"Yibo, thank God, I've been calling you for ages now!" 

"Oh, I'm sorry, I had my phone on silent since it's my day off. Did anything happen?" 

"I guess you didn't check Weibo recently, did you?" He feels chills all over his body when he hears the tone of her voice, he has a bad feeling about this. 

"I haven't, I just woke up. Give me a minute and I'll check now" He goes to get his laptop and opens the Weibo webpage. "What am I looking for Jie?" 

"You're trending, Yibo" 

"Oh... I'll look now." He's starting to worry properly now and that's when he sees it: WANG YIBO CHEN HAOYU trending 3rd. Wait! What??? Who even is Chen Haoyu? What's happening here? "I found it Jie but I have no idea what this is, I don't know who this person is. Let me have a look" 

"Take your time" she says and he feels those chills again. He searches for the person's name and goes to their Weibo page. Shit! Shit! It's the guy from last night. The bad feeling is now overwhelming as he sees the most recent post. The picture is innocent enough, the dance floor at Yixing's party, full of people dancing, with Yibo clearly visible in the middle. The caption reads: 

'Great party last night! I had an unforgettable night with @wangyibo!!!! (wink wink) Thank you for a great time!' 

Yibo feels all his blood draining from his face. 

"Did you see it?" his manager asks, sounding a bit impatient now.

"Yes..."

"So, what happened last night? Be honest with me Yibo, otherwise I can't help you"

"I...I..." his voice is shaky and he tries to clear the lump in his throat "Nothing happened Jie..."

"This guy seems to think differently. Would you like to reconsider your answer? Yibo, you know you can trust me, don't you? I only want to help but I can't if you're not honest with me and tell me what happened."

It's not that Yibo doesn't want to say but his head is spinning and he's trying to gather his thoughts. He knows how this works, damage control requires full honesty, he learnt that the hard way in the beginning of his relationship with Xiao Zhan.

"Ok" He proceeds to tell her the whole story and realises his mistake as he's telling it. He shouldn't hook up with random people. Well, this Haoyu is not exactly random, they have been introduced and he is a friend of a friend. None of the people he hooked up with were random, they were all part of the industry but that's just the thing, isn't it? How many people can you trust in this industry? He guesses he was lucky that nobody spoke until now but maybe Haoyu's post will trigger others too. He's definitely getting a lot of attention so others might be tempted too. Shit!

"Thank you for being honest with me Yibo. I suspect that he's angry because you ditched him and if he gets some fame in the process, even better for him."

"Li-jie, I'm so sorry! I never meant for any of this to happen! I'll send him a message on Weibo to see what his game is and..."

"You will do no such thing Wang Yibo! That's the last thing you need to do, give him more ammunition!" she cuts him off before he finishes his sentence. "You will let the professionals deal with it."

"Do you think it can be fixed?" He knows he has a team of professionals who are very good at their jobs but there's still doubt.

"I can never be sure with these things but we'll give it our best shot, throw some money at him see if we can do some damage control. What I want you to do is stay away from Weibo and have some rest. Don't do anything silly, it will be ok."

"Thank you Jie! I'm so so sorry to cause this..." 

"It's what I'm here for Yibo. Please try not to worry about it too much, ok? I'll update you on everything."

"OK Li-jie, thank you and sorry."

"Bye Yibo".

He flops back on the bed, head spinning, and he's starting to feel sick. He grabs this phone and only now notices the messages and the calls but he doesn't want to read or reply to anyone. Despite his manager's advice, he goes back to Weibo and checks Haoyu's post again. He looks at the comments and what he sees there makes him clench his fists in anger. Some people saying that they knew all along that Yibo is gay and this is the confirmation, others were asking for Haoyu to spill the beans and give them more details while few of them were trying to calm everybody down. He noticed a few hate comments too, now that they had all the confirmation they needed that Yibo is gay, they were calling him all sorts of names.

He feels so miserable and alone but doesn't want to talk to anyone. He needs a distraction and clicks on the videos icon on Weibo, hoping that he'll find something there to lift his mood. He watches a few motorcycle videos and a couple of skateboarding ones when his eyes catch the familiar characters underneath a video. Despite his better judgement he clicks on it and a cut of Happy Camp with Wang Talu, Li Qin and Xiao Zhan starts playing. They must be there to promote The Wolf. He hears He Jiong asking if they ever thought they'll see the day when the drama was broadcasted. All three of them laugh and say they honestly didn't. Then Wang Talu says he missed those two, especially the cute one (pointing at Xiao Zhan), him and Li Qin proceeding to sandwich Xiao Zhan between them in a hug. He can't take this so he stops the video and closes Weibo. Why is the universe so cruel to him? Just now when he's in such state, he sees Xiao Zhan all happy and smiling - not even his camera smile, that right there was his genuine happy smile which he only shows to the people who are close to him. He would be jealous but he knows Wang Talu. Oh, he was so jealous back when they were doing the Sina interview and Xiao Zhan ran to give him a hug. Later though they went out for a meal together and he learnt that it's impossible to dislike Wang Talu, he's such a fun guy to be around (plus he now knows he's straight). Li Qin on the other hand... Her and Xiao Zhan have history, they worked together a lot and were even rumoured to be dating. Xiao Zhan later explained to him that the rumours weren't true but Yibo can't be sure that there's still nothing between them now, Zhan-ge is single and bi after all.

He sighs and closes his eyes, if only Xiao Zhan was here to hold him, he would feel so much better. The older man always knew how to comfort him and what to do to make him feel better. If Xiao Zhan was here, none of this would've happened. He drifts off to sleep and wakes up after a couple of hours.

Yibo was in the kitchen making some instant ramen for lunch when his phone rang. It was his manager and he felt anxious but took the call.

"Hi Li-jie, any news?" 

"Hi Yibo. Yes, good news, we spoke with him and he made another post on Weibo just now. Go have a look."

"Ok, I will." He opens Weibo with shaky hands and goes to the guy's profile. Sure enough there's another post:

'I think there was a misunderstanding here. What I meant by my previous post was that I had a great time at the party.

I had the privilege of meeting Wang Yibo, of watching him dance and even had a conversation with him. 

I'm sorry if it came out the wrong way and caused problems or distress to anyone.'

Yibo feels relief wash over him, he is well aware that's a lie and not everybody will buy it. Some people know c-ent well enough to recognise damage control when they see it but this is enough to clear the air... for now.

"How did you convince him to do that? And so fast!"

"We have our ways" she laughs. "A little bit of bribe with a sprinkle of threat, it always works. He was pretty mad at you though"

"I imagine. Thank you so much Jie, you're a life saver. I'll pay for a week's holiday to any destination you want with whoever you want" Yibo is so grateful right now she could get anything out of him.

"I might hold you to that Wang Yibo but not right now, you're keeping me busy enough and I'm not able to have time off. Knowing you're ok it's reward enough for me. Now go rest and we'll speak tomorrow."

"Thank you Jie, I'm so lucky to have you." He realises he really is grateful for the people he has in his life. He's not close to many people but the ones he has are fiercely loyal and protective of him. Anxiety gone and suddenly hungry, he makes his way to the kitchen where the noodles are waiting for him.

Three months later he finds himself in Wang Han's office waiting for the older man who asked for a meeting. He's apprehensive as it sounded quite serious. Yibo loses track of time when the door finally opens and Wang Han steps in. He gives Yibo a hug and goes to sit in the chair opposite.

"How are you Yibo-di? Is everything ok?"

"Yes, Han-ge, all good. What is this about, I'm a bit worried" Yibo asks while scrutinising his brother's face trying to find some answers there. He'll find out soon enough, he thinks.

"Yibo, how are your feelings towards Xiao Zhan at the moment?" Oh, this is unexpected. His feelings towards Xiao Zhan, good question. What can he say? That he still loves him madly? That there isn't a day when he doesn't think of him and misses him? He can't say that, it's not what's expected of him.

"Ok, I guess. Why are you suddenly asking me this?" he says instead.

"Well, here's the thing. You know The Oath of Love is out, don't you?"

"Yeah, it's pretty hard to miss, everyone is talking about it."

"Ok. We've been asked to invite Xiao Zhan and Yang Zi to Day Day Up to promote it and I wanted to know how you feel about it." Wang Han's voice is soft and he's checking Yibo's face for a reaction. He's not such a successful actor for nothing though and keeps his face blank, trying not to give away the turmoil that started inside him.

"Oh...Yeah, I'm fine with it...When is the recording?"

"In two weeks. We'll have rehearsal the first day as usual so, if you feel it's too much for you, please let me know".

"Of course Han-ge but I will be ok, don't worry." he lies.

He leaves the office on shaky legs trying to let the news sink in. The truth is he doesn't know how he will feel, he hasn't seen Xiao Zhan or spoken with him in ten months. He will have to deal with it, what else can he do? It's not Xiao Zhan's fault that Yibo can't move on and wallows in misery when the other clearly moved on.

He will manage, he has to. He will be ok.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I've taken on board the advice I've been given and decided to edit this chapter. I know it's still not perfect but I really hope it's better. I thought that, since this might be my only fic, I want to make it as good as I can.
> 
> Thank you for reading, leaving kudos and comments. It means a lot to me and I truly appreciate all the constructive criticism.

He is not ok. His heart thumps in his chest and he can barely breathe while trying to control the shaking that took over his body. Here's the thing: it's one thing to see Xiao Zhan in pictures and videos, he's beautiful all right, but in real life he's absolutely breathtaking. There's an aura surrounding him that draws you in and you can't help but gravitate towards him like a moth to a flame. Currently he is in a corner of the studio giggling with Yang Zi and every cell in Yibo's body hates this picture. He's seen the behind the scenes from their drama and the jealousy he felt in those moments comes back with a vengeance. He turns his back and heads to his brothers who are gathered together talking about the sequence of events for this episode. He tries to pay attention to the conversation but Xiao Zhan's presence has thrown him off completely.

It's not long until the two make their way to greet the hosts. All the brothers greet back, all apart from Yibo. He's frozen and he can't look at Xiao Zhan for fear of breaking down. Everyone turns to give him a look, not understanding his attitude, but soon they move on and start chatting. Yibo is still not looking. Feng-ge says something funny he thinks, he can't be sure because he's not listening what with trying to hold himself together, and Xiao Zhan breaks in a fit of laughter. Yibo is on the verge of tears, he can't keep his composure anymore so he turns on his heels and makes a run for his dressing room. He notices that everyone is now quiet but he needs to get the hell out of there right this second.

He slams the door to his room and drops on the sofa, his head in his hands, trying to control his breathing when he hears a knock on the door.

"I'm ok Han-ge, I just need a minute" his voice comes a bit strangled but he thinks he managed ok, considering.

"It's not Han-ge." a familiar voice says and he's sure he's hallucinating at this point. "Open the door Yibo, please."

"Go away Xiao Zhan" he says. It's not that he doesn't want to see him, he wants that more than his next breath, but he can't do it right now, not when his heart threatens to beat right out of his chest. Yibo just wants to compose himself before facing the older man, he doesn't want to give Xiao Zhan the satisfaction to see him so broken.

"Bo-di, can you please open the door for me?" It sounds so soft and so close, Yibo assumes that Xiao Zhan is plastered against the door and the mental image makes his heart twinge.

"What do you want Zhan-ge?" And he's surprised at how steady he sounds when inside he's anything but. That's good, Xiao Zhan can't see him so, if he sounds composed, the other man won't know the state he's in. 

"I just want to see if you're ok." 

Oh, if only his Zhan-ge knew how far from ok he is! He can't even remember how it feels like.

"I'm ok. Now go away" he says instead.

"Look, if you don't want to open the door, I'll wait here and you will have to come out at some point. Don't be stubborn Yibo."

And then silence. 

How funny that he should call Yibo stubborn when Xiao Zhan is the one who just won't give up. He doesn't know what to do. What does Xiao Zhan want with him now? He realises there's no escaping this and it's probably best if they see each other face to face alone rather than making it awkward during the recording, in front of everyone. With this in mind he heads towards the door praying to all the Gods to give him strength.

The sight of Xiao Zhan in front of the door knocks the breath out of him. He's not smiling but he's so beautiful and it takes everything for Yibo not to throw himself into his arms or, worse, fall at his feet and beg. 

"What do you want?" Yibo asks instead and Xiao Zhan looks at him with a scrutinising look. Yibo kicks himself for not checking himself in the mirror first. He must be a sight to behold after rubbing at his face and pulling at his hair. He's still in the doorway, holding the door with one hand while he runs the other one through his hair in a hope that it would help him look normal at least. 

"I just wanted to make sure you're ok. What happened just now?" Well, shit! How does he explain his reaction? He was so obvious even a child could figure out what happened, surely Xiao Zhan would know too.

"Nothing happened, I just remembered something and I had to come in here for a minute" He definitely won't buy that but it's worth a try, that's all Yibo could come up with on the spot.

"Can I come in?" Xiao Zhan's voice is low and he looks cautious, almost like he doesn't want to scare Yibo away. 

"What for?" he asks but steps away and lets Xiao Zhan in anyway. "Are you here to gloat, Zhan-ge?" At this, the other man turns around to face him with a shocked expression.

"Wow, you do have a way with words Wang Yibo, I'll give you that." Yibo thought he saw a flash of hurt crossing his face but it was so brief, he could've just imagined it. 

"It's good to see you. How have you been?" He looks at Xiao Zhan in disbelief but there's no mockery in those eyes, he's genuinely asking and Yibo feels anger starting to build up in him.

"How I've been? After ten months you ask me how I've been? Great, I've been just great, never better." How dare he come in here, after so long and behave like nothing happened, like he didn't absolutely crush Yibo all those months ago.

"Good to hear" Xiao Zhan says, either not picking up on the tone or trying to ignore it.

Yibo's eyes widen. Really, is he mocking him now or what? "You've never called or texted to see how I was so why this sudden interest?"

"I don't remember you calling or texting either Yibo. Am I wrong?' 

That's not fair. He's the one who made the call last time they spoke, it's true that he didn't text or call after that but not because he didn't want to. How many times he cried with his phone in his hands writing and deleting, terrified of what answer he would get?

"That's different and you know it." 

"How exactly is that different?" Xiao Zhan looks confused (but still so beautiful) as he asks.

"The last time I called you I told you I will wait... I waited Ge" That's the truth. Zhan-ge told him not to wait, he told him he won't change his mind and Yibo heard him loud and clear but his stupid heart didn't get the memo. For a long time he woke up in the morning with hope that Xiao Zhan will contact him to tell him he is coming back but, by night time, he was crushed all over again when that didn't happen.

'Yibo, this is neither the time nor the place to have this conversation. I saw you storming out of the studio and I didn't think you were ok so I came to check on you. We can talk about this later, in private."

"There's no later Zhan-ge. Once the recording is over, we will not see each other anymore." It broke his heart to say these words but Yibo can see now that there's no hope, Xiao Zhan has truly moved on. What's the point in seeing each other again and have a conversation when he knows very well how that conversation would go? Why would he put himself through this again when he's barely holding on now? 

"If that's what you want..." As he speaks, Xiao Zhan's eyes move away from Yibo's face to look at his shoes. He thinks he can see his lower lip trembling a little but he must be mistaken because, just like then, the older man gives up on him so easily. And, just like then, Yibo panics when he suddenly realises that chances are he really won't see Xiao Zhan again. 

He takes a big step forwards, towards the man he so desperately wants, and the desperation is obvious in his voice now.

"No! That's not what I fucking want Ge... it's not what I want." He's blinking fast trying to stop the tears he feels forming.

"Yibo!" Xiao Zhan looks up and only now Yibo notices that there are tears in his eyes too. He hates seeing the other man cry but he can't help a shred of hope blooming in his chest. Maybe there's a chance Xiao Zhan still has feelings for him. He has to take this chance ...he has to, otherwise who knows if there will ever be one again.

"I'm not ok Zhan-ge. I haven't been ok for a long time, ten months to be precise, since the moment you left me and my whole world crumbled. But don't worry, I'll get myself together and I'll do this recording." Ok, he will take this chance but he doesn't want to look like a pitiful fool either, just in case he read the situation all wrong.

"Yibo..." says Xiao Zhan in the softest voice, with the softest eyes, but Yibo sees something in his expression. Is that pity? Oh, he hates it, he doesn't want it, so he interrupts whatever it was he was going to say.

"Please don't say anything Ge, I don't want your pity. Go back to your girlfriend and carry on with your happy life. I'll manage."

"Girlfriend? Happy life? What the hell are you talking about Yibo?" Ha! Nice try! The surprise on his face looks almost genuine only Yibo knows better than to believe it.

"Oh please, Zhan-ge, I might be young but I'm not an idiot. Don't you think I saw your behind the scenes with Yang Zi? There's clearly something between the two of you. While I was wallowing in misery you were out there enjoying yourself with the happiest smile on your face. Don't tell me that's not true Zhan-ge!" There, he said it and if he looks like a complete jealous idiot, well, he'll think about that later, now he's dying to know how Xiao Zhan will explain this one.

"That's not true Bo-di. You've been in this industry longer than me, you know how these things work and the things we do to attract attention to a project. I thought you knew that sometimes the BTS videos are leaked by the company and we make it look at certain way to get people talking and get them interested."

He feels like a complete jealous idiot. He knows Xiao Zhan is right, he did it so many times too and it makes perfect sense now that he heard it from the other man's mouth. Except... the way they looked at each other says otherwise. If Yibo closes his eyes he can see it clear as day, there was so much affection and love in their gazes it makes his heart clench.

"I know that, of course I do, but you looked so genuinely into each other. It looked so real."

"Well, it wasn't. Thank you for the compliment though, if it fooled even you then we must've been doing a good job. Yang Zi is great, I had so much fun working with her but there's nothing romantic between us." Xiao Zhan's eyes are almost pleading when he says that, as if it's vital that Yibo believes him. Yibo feels ashamed and looks down as he turns and heads to the make-up chair. He turns the chair, sits down and motions Xiao Zhan to the sofa but still doesn't lift his eyes.

Xiao Zhan sits and, seeing that Yibo is quiet, continues.

"As for the happy life, you have no idea how wrong you are about that Yibo!" He doesn't look up but feels the sadness in those words. He thinks back at all the videos he saw, how happy Xiao Zhan looked and he doesn't understand.

"I know what I saw..." He can't be wrong, it was all there: bright smiles and laughter.

"Right, you did see but you saw what I wanted the world to see. You haven't the smallest clue how it was like for me, the hell I've been living in since I left our home. That night I fell apart so badly I scared Chuyue. He didn't know what to do to make me feel better and stayed up with me all night trying to comfort me. I hadn't slept a wink that night, all I did was cry. In the morning he made me breakfast and attempted to convince me to eat but I didn't want food, I didn't want anything just to close my eyes and never wake up."

Xiao Zhan's voice is cracking and his eyes are filled with tears again, he tries blinking fast to keep them from falling but it's not working. The flash of pain goes through him again and he feels like the most selfish person on the planet for not sparing a thought to how Xiao Zhan was after the breakup. He was so busy feeling so sorry for himself that he didn't consider at all how the other man felt although he knew very well how much his boyfriend loved him. 

"But it seemed so easy for you to just let me go..." He still can't understand and that's what caused him to forget how strong Xiao Zhan's feelings for him really were. 

"What was I supposed to do when I became a hindrance to the man who was my everything, my whole world? How could I stay? You basically told me that you don't want me in your life anymore, how was I supposed to fix that?" A sob escapes Xiao Zhan and he looks so pained. If Yibo could kick his own ass for putting that expression on that face, he would do it right now. He still doesn't know what came over him when he said those things but it was what he felt at the time and he can't deny it. As soon as the words left his mouth he realised it wasn't what he wanted, hearing himself saying it out loud made him realise how wrong those words were. But it was too late, he couldn't swallow them back and Xiao Zhan was already leaving him.

"Ge, that's not..."

"Oh, but it is." Xiao Zhan interjects. He looks resigned, he looks like he lost all hope and Yibo wants to hug him so badly but he lets him talk. "If I stayed, you would've carried on being unhappy, feeling restricted. I thought that if I left, even though I knew it would destroy me, you will at least have a chance to be happy. So I left."

So typical of Xiao Zhan to sacrifice himself for someone else's happiness, it makes Yibo mad. How could he even think that Yibo could ever be happy without him? He aches to run to him and pull him in his arms but he's still not sure if Zhan-ge still has feelings for him. He needs to be sure.

"Tell me honestly Zhan-ge, how quickly did you get over me? How long did it take?"

"I'll let you know about that when I know it myself. It hasn't happened yet. All those happy smiles you saw were all for the camera, except for the occasions when I was with my friends. What was I supposed to do? Go for shows and interviews and be gloomy? Who wants to see that? It may work for you because of your image but people are used to seeing me smile, that's what they want and it's my job to give it to them. Besides, would've you felt better if you saw me suffering?"

He should know all this, they already discussed it when Xiao Zhan went through the 227 ordeal, and yet he chose to forget it. Why? Did it fit his narrative better? Yibo the poor broken hearted soul while Xiao Zhan is out there living his best life. That doesn't even matter anymore, what's important is that Zhan-ge is not over him! His heart swells and he feels a surge of happiness so sharp it takes him by surprise.

"No Ge, of course not, I would've felt worse."

"Exactly. You have no idea how it was for me Yibo. I hated the fact that I had to go to work and put a smile on my face when all I wanted to do was bury myself in the bed and cry but, looking back, it was good that my schedule was so packed at the time - it kept me occupied. I wasn't eating and sleeping though so, after a couple of weeks, I collapsed and I was taken to hospital. I was put on bed rest for two weeks and my friends took turns staying with me and looking after me because they were afraid I would do something stupid, since I wasn't doing anything and had time to think. After those two weeks I flew home to Chongqing and my mum slept next to me every night so I could have some sleep. What part of this sounds happy to you Yibo?" 

Xiao Zhan is looking into his eyes, no, into his soul with those big bright eyes now shining with tears and Yibo's insides twist. It makes him sick to hear what the man he loves went through and it was all because of him. He did that. It's impossible not to feel loathe towards himself and he's trying hard not to think of the possibility of something worse happening.

"I'm sorry Zhan-ge, I didn't know." He can't look into Xiao Zhan's eyes anymore so he lowers his gaze.

"That's right, you didn't know, so you made assumptions instead. I'm guilty of the same thing so I can't blame you, I thought you were doing great..."

A knock on the door interrupts Xiao Zhan.

"Is everything ok in there?" Wang Han's voice comes through.

"Yes, Han-ge, everything is fine. I'm sorry for the delay, we'll be back there in a minute" Both men stand up and Xiao Zhan turns towards the door.

"No no, don't worry, take your time. We're rehearsing other guest's appearances so there's no rush."

"Thank you Han-ge." Yibo is relieved that they don't have to go back, he can't leave his dressing room until they clear the air, he doesn't want to be without Xiao Zhan even for one more minute. His desperation gives him courage and he quietly steps towards the other man whose eyes are still on the door.

He waited until the footsteps faded away and he took both Xiao Zhan's hands in his own. Xiao Zhan looks from their hands to Yibo's face in surprise and Yibo gives him a pleading look.

"Zhan-ge, I haven't had an ounce of happiness in my life since you left me. The minute I realised our relationship is over was the minute I understood you were my happiness. Can we try again? Can we give ourselves another chance, a fresh start? Please Zhan-ge, come back home. I know I was stupid but I love you more than anything and I need you so much." His heart is beating out of control and he holds his breath waiting for Xiao Zhan to answer. 

"Yibo, I love you too, I never stopped loving you and wanting you but I'm scared. I'm scared we'll end up in the same situation later on and I can't go through that again, it would kill me." Xiao Zhan removes his hands from Yibo's hold and he feels his heart drop. He feels all the strength leaving him so he has to hold onto something but there is nothing around so he lowers himself on the sofa. He holds his head in his hands trying to think of what he could possibly say to convince Xiao Zhan that he's changed. He has to, he can't let him walk out of here and out of his life again.

"It won't be the same, I swear." He wants to fall to his knees and beg but he doesn't. "Ge, I've learnt so much during this time we were apart, I understood what's important in life. That's you, you're the most important one. You have to believe me, please Zhan-ge! After you left I hardly went to any parties, I preferred to stay in and watch videos of you. And one of the few occasions when I did go, it all went to hell." He sounds desperate but he doesn't care.

"Ah, the famous Yixing party... I saw... That's what convinced me that you were doing great actually. Was it true?" Xiao Zhan has that guarded expression on his face again and Yibo hates it.

Xiao Zhan doesn't need to tell him what the question is about, Yibo knows and doesn't want to lie. He feels so ashamed, he never considered that the other man would see it, of course he would. It's quite clear now that he didn't think of anything other than himself and his feelings all this time. He can't look at Xiao Zhan, he doesn't want to see the look in his eyes when he says it.

"Yes, it was true."

"I thought so, I can recognise a cover up." His voice is low but Yibo can still hear a hint of disappointment in his voice. He has to explain, he doesn't want his Zhan-ge to get the wrong impression so he blurts everything out quickly.

"I didn't want to go to the party in the first place but Yixing was worried about me so he insisted. Then Nan Hai was playing and I was in pain so I had too much to drink. There was only kissing Ge, you have to believe me. We were supposed to go somewhere else but I changed my mind and jumped in the taxi and left him there. He was mad at me because of that and wanted to get back at me. Zhan-ge, I did try to be with other people, casually, nothing serious, but I couldn't. Nobody made me feel the way you did, nothing even came close. Do you believe me ge?" He hopes from the bottom of his heart that Xiao Zhan believes him. He feels so bad about it, not only did he put his career in danger but he gave his Zhan-ge the wrong impression and for what? It wasn't even worth it, he knows that now.

"I never doubted you Yibo, of course I believe you. Look, you don't have to explain yourself to me, we weren't together at the time. I don't do casual, it's just not my thing, but I don't judge people who do it either. It did hurt though, I can't deny that."

"I'm so sorry Ge, I didn't think!" And that's the whole crux of the matter, isn't it? He doesn't think. He didn't think when he spoke those words that ended his relationship, he didn't think about Xiao Zhan's feelings, he didn't think of the consequences when he went and kissed a guy he didn't even know. And now there's a real possibility that everything is ruined and he can't fix it and he doesn't think he can recover from this if he can't convince Xiao Zhan to come back. 

"What I'm trying to say is that I know now that nothing can compare to you. I've learnt in the hardest way possible but I did learn Zhan-ge. Please come back to me, give me another chance and I'll prove it to you." He is in front of Xiao Zhan again and he feels himself tearing up. He can't hide how desperate he is anymore so he grabs at Xiao Zhan and shakes him. "Zhan-ge, please Zhan-ge! I can't live without you, I really can't Zhan-ge" He's sobbing now as he tries to make Xiao Zhan understand how much he needs him.

"Yibo...I...I need time to think about it, I can't just come back. Maybe we can keep in touch and take it slowly, see how that works."

"I'll do whatever it takes to prove to you that I've changed, whatever you want" Yibo says "but please don't make me live another day without you. I want to go to sleep in your arms and wake up next to you, I want your smile to be the first thing I see when I come home. We've been apart for too long Zhan-ge, please don't make it longer. Please come back home."

Yibo looks at Xiao Zhan's eyes, tears now falling freely, and he steps closer until their lips brush. "Come home Zhan-ge" he says against the other man's lips and then he presses his lips against Xiao Zhan's and oh, this must be what heaven feels like. He doesn't know how he survived without it. Yibo tries to pour all of his love and want into that kiss in the hope that Xiao Zhan can feel it. He feels the other man's arms going around hist waist and tightening while the kiss deepens.

"Take me home, Yibo" Xiao Zhan said breathlessly when they finally part.

Yibo could explode with happiness. He grabs Xiao Zhan's face in his hands and he starts kissing his eyes, his nose, his cheeks and that little freckle under his lips over and over again. "Thank you Zhan-ge!" he says between kisses. "You just made me the happiest man in the world!" Xiao Zhan is laughing and oh, it's the most beautiful sound in the world. Yibo did that.

"Hey, Bo-di we still have a show to record, we should probably get going" a giggling Xiao Zhan says while trying to push Yibo off him.

"Yes Zhan-ge, anything you say Zhan-ge" but he isn't stopping the kisses.

"Wang Yibo! We have time for this later, we're professional, remember?" Xiao Zhan is trying his best to appear stern but he's failing, his eyes are smiling too much to make it convincing.

"Ah, yes, you're right Zhan-ge, we are professional." With a final kiss, Yibo lets Xiao Zhan go and opens the door. "Wait!" He grabs his boyfriend's (boyfriend!!!!!) arm and pulls him back "When you said you don't do casual...Did you mean that all this time there was no one else for you?" Xiao Zhan's look went from surprised to amused.

"No Yibo, there was no one else. I only love one gremlin in this life and that takes a lot of my time." 

"Zhan-ge!" said gremlin squeals and jumps in his arms. "Mine, all mine. I love you so much Zhan-ge! Please don't ever leave me again."

"I love you too baobao, so much!" Oh, how much Yibo missed this...

The hosts and Yang Zi are huddled together whispering and five heads turn at the same time when Xiao Zhan and Wang Yibo come into view. 

"Zhan-ge, does Yang-Zi know about us?" Yibo whispers in Xiao Zhan's ear.

"She does, I had to admit it to her when she saw that anything related to you brought me to tears..."

Xiao Zhan barely finishes talking when they are pulled into a group hug. They don't need to say anything because their beaming faces are enough to let the others know what happened in the dressing room.

"I'm so happy for you" Wang Han says "but if you pull another one of these again I will take care of both of you myself. I can't deal with a broken hearted Yibo again."

"We won't Han-ge, I promise. I'm never letting Zhan-ge go again" 

THE END

**Author's Note:**

> This was going to be a one shot but it ran away with me :). All criticism and comments are much appreciated.
> 
> Thank you to everyone taking an interest.


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